Its 7 months since Hartley was born and I've realised i need to write again.  My gorgeous hubby James bought me some beautiful flowers because i was sad and i've just put them in a vase. I took the cellaphane wrap off, chopped the stems, took the bottom leaves off and wrapped them up in the cellaphane wrapper...........Just like you would wrap up a dirty nappy. I should be wrapping up dirty nappies.

I understand other peoples lives go on.
I understand ours has moved on because you have no choice, because it doesn't stop.

But some days i feel so angry, so bloody angry at everyone who has a baby, who shows a scan photo on facebook and think i was there last year.
I'm so envious.

FUCK OFF,FUCK OFF, FUCK OFF, in my head, only ever in my head.

Today's been hard, its been building up. Photo's of all these babies growing that were due around Hartley's time, all chubby and mum's grinning. That should be me.

That should be me..................

He is so damn gorgeous by the incredibly talented Catherine Rayner. Her Kids books are wonderful and have a good life lesson behind them x

I love this and the concept, feelings behind it sum up life completely. I feel like something is missing at the moment, which there is but nothing anyone can do or change or could've done would have changed the outcome. It is very sadly natures very cruel but maybe kind way.
Wanting to shout "bollocks to the world" still comes over me quite regularly still!!

Tjep's The Heartbreak consists of a fragile porcelain heart and light yet strong titanium hammer, booth are connected and made inseparable by a titanium chain. When broken the heart will show cracks, yet it will never fall apart as there is a layer of rubber on the inside that will keep the heart together. Indeed as one will usually recover from a broken heart, the small cracks will inevitably add up and form who we are.

The wonderful moon gazing hare, looking at Hartleys swing and personal star.
A very lucky little boy xxxxxx

Beautiful Books for Hartley Robert

These two books have been bought for Hartley, in his memory by two of my lovely friends. They are very appt and mean so much to James and I. It has been a very difficult week this week, I didn't know how much it would affect me but Hartley, although it wasn't confirmed, was meant to arrive tomorrow by elective csection. I was very angry at the beginning of the week but now feel slightly calmer. Part of the rollercoaster of it. I've found myself thinking I can't face people, haven't got the energy to cry again? People who don't know me well, people in shops who saw me grow but don't know asking what i had? That's a huge fear.........I can understand why ladies who've experienced this lock themselves away and then it gets bigger and more daunting.
I have to make myself i know........................