Its 7 months since Hartley was born and I've realised i need to write again.  My gorgeous hubby James bought me some beautiful flowers because i was sad and i've just put them in a vase. I took the cellaphane wrap off, chopped the stems, took the bottom leaves off and wrapped them up in the cellaphane wrapper...........Just like you would wrap up a dirty nappy. I should be wrapping up dirty nappies.

I understand other peoples lives go on.
I understand ours has moved on because you have no choice, because it doesn't stop.

But some days i feel so angry, so bloody angry at everyone who has a baby, who shows a scan photo on facebook and think i was there last year.
I'm so envious.

FUCK OFF,FUCK OFF, FUCK OFF, in my head, only ever in my head.

Today's been hard, its been building up. Photo's of all these babies growing that were due around Hartley's time, all chubby and mum's grinning. That should be me.

That should be me..................

He is so damn gorgeous by the incredibly talented Catherine Rayner. Her Kids books are wonderful and have a good life lesson behind them x

I love this and the concept, feelings behind it sum up life completely. I feel like something is missing at the moment, which there is but nothing anyone can do or change or could've done would have changed the outcome. It is very sadly natures very cruel but maybe kind way.
Wanting to shout "bollocks to the world" still comes over me quite regularly still!!

Tjep's The Heartbreak consists of a fragile porcelain heart and light yet strong titanium hammer, booth are connected and made inseparable by a titanium chain. When broken the heart will show cracks, yet it will never fall apart as there is a layer of rubber on the inside that will keep the heart together. Indeed as one will usually recover from a broken heart, the small cracks will inevitably add up and form who we are.

The wonderful moon gazing hare, looking at Hartleys swing and personal star.
A very lucky little boy xxxxxx

Beautiful Books for Hartley Robert

These two books have been bought for Hartley, in his memory by two of my lovely friends. They are very appt and mean so much to James and I. It has been a very difficult week this week, I didn't know how much it would affect me but Hartley, although it wasn't confirmed, was meant to arrive tomorrow by elective csection. I was very angry at the beginning of the week but now feel slightly calmer. Part of the rollercoaster of it. I've found myself thinking I can't face people, haven't got the energy to cry again? People who don't know me well, people in shops who saw me grow but don't know asking what i had? That's a huge fear.........I can understand why ladies who've experienced this lock themselves away and then it gets bigger and more daunting.
I have to make myself i know........................

Stunning sunset as we came home xxx

There seemed to be a wonderful sunset across the whole country on the day of Hartleys funeral.

A lovely celebration of Hartley's tiny life xxx

The smiles, laughter & tears that we had that day brought us all as a family closer together. Such a shame Hartley isn't here to lap up the oodles of love that is everywhere but it does seem it's natures cruel way. He is up there, up to mischief with his Grandad Razzer( My Dad), Aboo, (clive), my gorgeous little granny who will be tutting as we speak, My grandad who will be secretly smiling when granny looks away...........and of course the naughty poodles and boxers that James and i grew up with. xxxx

What a baeutiful day to say goodbye xx

The 12th January is going to be renamed as 11 3/4th January. Apart from my Uncle Andrew coming into this world there have been a lot of sad things happening on this date. Two of my friends said poignant things that made me feel settled. One person that left us on this date, that "they would be at peace now" which i believe they will.
The other friend, her mother inlaw had had a stillborn baby and then went on to have her husband. That if it hadn't been for this tragic event that she wouldn't have him, she wouldn't be so happy and they wouldn't have their beautiful daughter. These events are so unbelievably heart shattering but these small things relieve my pain and hopefully the other people involved, in some very small way xxx

Amazing mum and amazing family xx

Its so very difficult for the people close to us, our friends and family. Everyone wants to mend us and i wish they could. Particularly our mum's and dad. We are their babies and they hate to see us hurting as all parents will know, take away that pain. They are grieving for their grandson but more so they can't make us better xxx

....Then a blustery, sundrenched champagne toast in plastic glasses to our little boy.

To you Hartley Robert Craven, Good bye, Good Night, Sleep Well my love xxxx

Hartleys flight cards with heart felt messages xxxxxxx

After battling with the wind, balloons and flight cards we were ready to say good bye and good night to our perfect little boy. The flight cards are a way for people to write privately a little message to their little son, grandson or nephew that will never be seen but will always be in their heart along with him.

Walking to the balloon point in the sunshine xxx

We all walked towards the river at Bolton Abbey to let off Hartleys Helium balloons. I should've been buying balloons for his future birthdays not to wish him a safe journey with the biggest amount of love anyone can imagine.

I kissed Hartleys coffin as i had kissed him when i held him,
I said my final good bye to him,
And had to walk away.

We all left together to Bruce Springsteens Thunder Road, such a dynamic song that was so perfect

Walking Away from our baby boy

This was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. To walk away from our dearly loved little boy, the little boy who was going to come into James and my life and wreak a beautiful havoc upon us. Make us who we are...........the people we are now ready to be...........this is what makes me so sad, rips my heart and twists it and stamps on it. My heart feels shredded, in so many pieces when i think about it. I can't change what has happened, the need to have Hartley to cuddle and to be here will hopefully lessen through time but i feel like a child and want to stamp my feet and scream 'I want him, he is mine'

My lovely brother took all the wonderful photos. Because I am such a visual person i needed them as part of Hartleys story. One piece of advice i would give anyone in this situation or any now i have begun this journey is . "do what you feel you need to do at the time, what your instincts tell you. Do not, Not do something because you feel you will be judged, Regret is a hurdle higher than any other"

Hartleys Funeral

We chose Fleetwood mac "Songbird" for Hartley to be carried into the crematorium. A lovely friend of mine who lost her little girl some time ago said it was one of the songs they chose for her. The lyrics say it all and I am crying as i write this, for Hartley, for Charlotte, for Jody for all the little ones who are taken so unexpectedly and cruelly from the people that wanted them so, so much.
The Service was so perfect and heart felt. My tears flowed, I cried like I've never cried and I hope I never need to cry like that again.
I was completely oblivious but was surrounded by people that love James and I so much that if we can't get through this I don't know who could.

Hartleys funeral was a complete unknown and something that was really worrying me. What do you do, he didn't have any favourite music, he didn't do anything that people could stand up and talk about and as i said before, there were no memories that we could think about?
The chaplain, David came to see us and explained the way baby funerals are generally done. He had lost his grandson at 15 weeks old through cot death and i think his understanding of the grief he felt gave him the empathy and kindness that seemed to envelop us.
He gave us the opportunity to add anything we wanted up until we arrived on the day, David said to us that some people write a letter to their baby to say goodbye..........Its still so unreal even now. I wrote some words that actual did rhyme through pure chance for our little lovely Hartley and made a cover for the service to go in. It was my only chance to create things for him and they had to be absolutely perfect.

Our beautiful boy..........I need to just put photos up

Gorgeous pink beautiful little man, you were real.
I am your mummy,
You are my son,
I love you so intensely and then you were gone.

So cruel xx

Bradford Royal Infirmary Midwives, second to none xxx

The support and opportunities we were given by the BRI midwives was faultless. In the beginning we didn't want to know anything about 'baby bean', i had a big fear of what 'baby bean' was going to look like? I think it is part of your own defense mechanism, the wall we all have hidden somewhere in our minds.
Everything we said No to, we eventually said yes and it has created the beginnings of Hartleys legacy for his family, friends and future siblings. The book I am putting together I call my 'Trigger' book as it creates varying emotions. I suppose when someone you know and love dies, it is their memories which trigger the varying emotions that grief gives you. When a baby is taken from you, when you only know the indigestion and the inability to pee properly because he wasn't a big wiggler and his daddy only knows the scan photos, his occasional cheeky elbows and his perfect heartbeat. You don't have any memories to make you sad which can also make you sadder than ever. Like you have lost something you never had, it is so cruel and goes against anything that makes any sense. It plays with my head and sometimes i think it would be better to forget it and very soon it becomes real again. Hartley was our first born child, our son and he will never be forgotten and remembered in many peoples hearts how dearly he was wanted.
The memory box came from www.uk-sands.org/
This charity does so much for people who have had stillborn children and neonatal deaths. Also raises money to do more research into why this happens.

Artistic Fingers

I am arty, that is why this is taking so long, i have to be happy with it visually. The content may very well be spelt or punctuated badly but it should look ok!!

I'd like to think that Hartley would have been arty with those beautiful long fingers but again we will never know.

Gorgeous feet

Hartley looked so much like his Daddy, had his cheeky lips and kissable nose. He was very long and had big hands and feet, he was going to be tall. We decided upon his name as we cuddled and said goodbye to him. Hartley was my Dads middle name and Grandma's surname and Robert is James Dads name, he had his naughty frown xxx I'd like to think my genetics would've kicked in with his lovely personality but this we will never know. One of the hardest things is the expectations we had and the pictures we had in our minds for our baby's future will not be realised for Hartley.
WHY,WHY WHY...............we will probably never know?

*I have to say this to myself because it is incredibly unreal most of the time that this has happened?
I do not feel like a mummy because i don't have a baby to cuddle, to comfort.......to feed, to change, to bath.......

Trying to make it real.

*My name is Francesca Jane Craven and I am Hartley Robert Cravens mummy*.