The support and opportunities we were given by the BRI midwives was faultless. In the beginning we didn't want to know anything about 'baby bean', i had a big fear of what 'baby bean' was going to look like? I think it is part of your own defense mechanism, the wall we all have hidden somewhere in our minds.
Everything we said No to, we eventually said yes and it has created the beginnings of Hartleys legacy for his family, friends and future siblings. The book I am putting together I call my 'Trigger' book as it creates varying emotions. I suppose when someone you know and love dies, it is their memories which trigger the varying emotions that grief gives you. When a baby is taken from you, when you only know the indigestion and the inability to pee properly because he wasn't a big wiggler and his daddy only knows the scan photos, his occasional cheeky elbows and his perfect heartbeat. You don't have any memories to make you sad which can also make you sadder than ever. Like you have lost something you never had, it is so cruel and goes against anything that makes any sense. It plays with my head and sometimes i think it would be better to forget it and very soon it becomes real again. Hartley was our first born child, our son and he will never be forgotten and remembered in many peoples hearts how dearly he was wanted.
The memory box came from www.uk-sands.org/
This charity does so much for people who have had stillborn children and neonatal deaths. Also raises money to do more research into why this happens.
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